Comedy Nights With Kapil 31st May 2014, Colors – Akshay Kumar, Written Update

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Comedy Nights With Kapil

Guests on the Show: Megastar Akshay Kumar who is also film producer, presenter and host, and a martial artist; and Vipul Shah: Film director and Producer

Kapil starts the show and introduces himself as Dr. Bittu Sharma. He says that the hospital is the best place in the world as people don’t think before giving money and that’s the reason he became a doctor. Dr. Bittu aka Bittu then wonders where his two patients have gone and then finds one patient coming back. Bittu asks where he has been? The first patient says that he was visiting the restroom and Bittu cracks a joke that he was been given glucose and he is then removing it from his body. Another patient (patient 2, Paresh) comes there and says that he has himself went outside to meet his family. Bittu wants them to be quiet and wants to prepare for their operation.

When asked about his illness, patient 2 (Paresh) says he doesn’t have any illness and actually he came there to sell products for killing mouse but he was taken as a patient. Patient 1 taunts that if you want to kill the people of your size then you will get this sort of treatment and will get curse of people. Patient 1 says that he went to a jewellery shop to remove the stone from his ring but he was taken away from there and four times he was operated to remove stones from his kidney. He feels helpless for his situation invoking a laughter. Daadi comes on the stage and says that it is very thirsty and then drinks the glucose of patient 2. Dr. Bittu comes and wants them to be quiet and Raju then comes on the stage and shows that Bittu’s pyjama is pressed as patient 1 was having high temperature. Daadi then takes out a Chapati (Roti) after warming on patient 1’s stomach. Patient 2 wants to get discharged and he warns them to not get political with him. He says that he has three shops and Bittu wants to perform a stool test invoking a laughter and wants to inject him as he was shrinking, Patient 1 wants to go home as he has two children and Bittu wants him to stay here as his wife will be good at home. Bittu receives a call from medical college who asks him for a dead body and they wants an extra small body. Patient 2 (paresh) becomes worried after hearing it.

Daadi wants to send the patient 2 to ICU LATER and takes him there. Sooner, a man comes there Rangeela who comes with a Daal and wants to give that Daal to Dhol singh. Raju drinks the Daal. Bittu then thinks that man as a potential patient and they forcibly makes him as a patient. Bittu says that he leaks and wants to operate him. He says that his father is Mohan Lal and hence will not eat dollar and ate a rupee coin. Rangeela wants to go and Bittu says that nobody can stop a person who is going away. Bittu hits with a hammer for Rangeela and patient 1 and make them unconscious. Bittu wants each other to deal with their respective patients and perform operation. Raju wants some accessories for the operation and even says he will follow Bittu. Bittu cracks a joke that he has opened a hospital and not a facebook page which he can follow. Bittu is seen to use carpenters’ cutting plier while Raju uses a similar equipment of a screw driver and both cut a leg of the patients with their accessories. Bittu congratulates Raju on doing a good job. After cutting the leg of Rangeela, Bittu removes his heart as well. Sooner, Rangeela receives a phone ring bell and he attends the call and informs his wife to bring the police at the earliest at Ram Bharosa hospital since the doctors have forcibly operated him. Bittu learns that the patient has informed his wife to call police and suggests Raju to run away. Daadi also comes briefly there while drinking and they hear the police siren, Bittu in haste puts back the heart and leg of the patient and runs away.

Comedy Nights With Kapil Akshay Kumar

Kapil speaks with Siddhu that now its very hot and he was thinking of holidays. But recently he came to know that a Bollywood Star is coming to their home to celebrate ‘Holiday’ and he says that any visitor is welcome as the saying suggest – Atithi Devo Bhavo (The Guest is God) and Kapil welcomes the star of the evening – Akshay Kumar.. Akshay comes on the stage while standing on a 2 wheel stand-up bike with Aaj Dil Shayrana from his upcoming movie Holiday. Siddhu welcomes Akshay with a witty line – Mausam Suhana Dekh ke Koyal ke Kook nikal jati hain, Darbare Khuda Mein Fariyada Houk Nikal Jaati Hain Yuh hi Nahi Kahte Akki ko Sabse Bada Khiladi Singh is King ko Dekh Dar Accho Accho ki Phook Nikal Jaati Hain.. Kapil becomes ecsatic on hearing those lines and also Akshay becomes happy. Akshay asks Siddhu how does he remember so many things ? Siddhu says that he got the same question many times and says that he searches and gets it from the environment, Kapil speaks about the two-wheel stand-up bike entry of Akshay and calls it a scooter with no mouth. Akshay helps Kapil in driving the two-wheel bike and Kapil cracks a joke that all producers who wants a low-budget Akshay can call him. Kapil requests Akshay paaji to teach Siddhu in driving the two-wheel bike. The bike was named – Bina Mooh wali Motorcycle. Siddhu could do it for small distance. Kapil says that Akshay paaji came on CNWK for the third time. Akshay says that since 25 years he has been doing the same and working on 3 to 4 films. Akshay says that Kapil’s show has no script so its easy for him to come.

Akshay speaks about his movie Holiday and says sleeper cell is shown in the movie. He speaks on the sleeper cell and says that its a high-class exercise of terrorism. Siddhu says this issue is very big and only people can fight against it. Siddhu speaks a witty line expressing how to combat the bad people from our country. Kapil says that Akshay paaji lives a discipline life and sleeps at 9 pm and wakes up at 6 am. He says that he meets everybody in the film industry as when he goes out in the morning early he finds people coming back from their night out. Kapil asks Akshay whether he has more confident in fitness or acting when he joined acting ? Akshay says that he didn’t know acting and know self-defense techniques and has urged the current govt and the past government to incorporate martial arts as a compulsory subject in the school. Siddhu speaks that in Singapore they have compulsory military training for every individual and we need to replicate that model to develop our country via our youth. Palak makes an entry and comes on stage and she is wearing a white karate cloth and green salwaar. She says that she is training for Commando and says that she is a big fan of Akshay. She says she is very much inspired from Akshay.

Comedy Nights With Kapil Akshay amd Palak

Akshay asks her about the karate belt which she is wearing. Palak says that her martial arts was born in 2014 and once she finishes her training then she can do anything. Akshay paaji cracks a joke on hairs on palak’s face. She says that she has all color belts including black. Palak calls herself a commando and Bittu cracks joke on palak’s eating food multiple times. Akshay wants palak to show some drills of Palak style of martial arts. Akshay shows them a scene where he attacks from behind as a common person and Palak has to throw him away. Palak is able to throw Akshay on the ground with a good self-defense technique. She holds Akshay’s hand and after twisting it throws him on the ground. Two girls – Manisha and Jenny from the audience comes on stage and Akshay trains them about self-defense technique which he has earlier taught to Palak. Akshay then enacts a self-defense exercise with that girl and tells how she should throw the teaser away and making him fall down by merely using her hands but with a technique as taught by him. The girl enacts the scene with Akshay teasing her from behind and she was able to throw him and make him fall down on the ground with her hands after applying the technique. (tees mar khan song playing). Siddu says that she is the first women who is taking care of the offender after he fell down. Another women tries the same exercise with Akshay but couldn’t make him fall down. The audience leaves from the stage.

Akshay paaji now teaches flying kick to palak. Akshay says that he will run towards Palak and then hit her with a flying kick. Akshay also provides cushion support behind Palak as she holds a pillow to protect herself. Akshay runs fast and hits Palak with a flying kick making her fall down on the ground and also putting down the big cushion behind, The audience wants one more but now Akshay wants Palak to act the flying kick and Akshay is now holding the pillow and waiting for Palak’s kick, Palak instead of flying kick hits the pillow with her head instead of legs. Palak wants to call her teacher and shouts Oooooooo. Dhamaka (Akshat) comes dressed in a chinese attire and makeup and on the song Chandni chowk to China. Palak calls Dhamaka as her guru ji (teacher). Akshay claps for the teacher and Dhamaka breaks tiles. Palak then eats the brick and Akshay finds the brick to be a cake. Dhamaka the teacher cries and he says that Palak didi has promised to give him 10 INR if he is able to instill fear in Akshay but that happen so Dhamaka is unhappy as he has lot 10 INR. Kapil says that Dhamaka is palak’s brother and Akshay wants Dhamaka to dance on Siddhu’s table. Dhamaka dances on the song (Suhah Na hone da ..) and Dhamaka wants him to drop him at his home. Palak and Dhamaka leaves from there.

Kapil then invites the co-producer of Holiday movie Vipul Shah who comes on the stage on Yeh Dil Shayrana song. Kapil welcomes Vipul ji. Akshay speaks on the hidden talent of Vipul ji and speaks that Vipul ji is also good at stage performances not necessarily acting. He says that Vipul ji has done lot of theatre and Gujarati plays and Vipul ji responds that he enacted a lead role in a play which was then enacted in the movie Aankhen by Akshay. Vipul ji says that both have worked together many times and even took risks but he is happy about his collaboration with Akshay. Kapil speaks that in most movies either directed or produced by Vipul ji Akshay has played pivotal roles. He then asks him, what’s the main reason behind this, whether Akshay sir listens to him more or does he give discounts ? Vipul ji says that Akshay doesn’t give discount to anybody and smiles. But they make sure that they get mutual benefit. He then talks that they have challenged each other, and he reminds about his first four films as a director – Aankhen, Waqt, Namastey London and says they have challenged after every film as first they made a thriller, then made a family film. He then speaks of his movie Action Replayy which didn’t succeed at the box office. He says that on the first day during the make-up test, Akshay didn’t like the look and said to him that the audience will not like it, but because of his conviction, Akshay didn’t say much and continue to work in the film with that look. He says that Akshay has trusted him a lot and has taken the risk.

Daadi comes on stage and hugs Akshay by calling him her son. Daadi says that the star should be like Akshay as he comes to their show thinking like his home and comes often, Daadi asks Akshay why Sonakshi didn’t came, and he replies that she will come for next episode. Daadi then goes on to say that Sonakshi is insecure from her, and says that her equation works well with her father – Shatru ji. Daadi speaks with Vipul ji that he makes lot of movies and also asks about his income. Bittu doesn’t want Daadi to ask Vipul ji and men for their income. Daadi scolds Bittu and makes a taunt and says that she is asking only people who actually earns an income and she will not ask Bittu. She asks an answer from Bittu and says whether he will give a Babaji Ka Thullu. Akshay asks kapil where the interviews will be published and then ask Kapil about his income, Kapil says that even the milk of his goat is dried up so there is not much income invoking a laughter. Vipul ji suggests that if Akshay informs about his income then Kapil will also disclose his income. Akshay says its better to ask the Income tax for his income and it is the highest. Daadi says that they only have zeros and no ones. Daadi wants to talk business as they have a producer on stage. Daadi speaks that after Salim-Javed, she has not seen any good writers so she decided to start writing. She says that she wrote a wonderful script and calls it a peti pack script. Vipul ji speaks whether mangoes will come out of that script, Daadi says that as he is a filmmaker so he can take out anything he wants from her peti pack script. She then takes out the script from her hand bag and asks them to listen carefully and after some pensive thought, she speaks there are two young lads – Lai and Neeru, there is a man named Bakhor saab who does’t have both legs, and he is being called Sham guard.

The audience applauds Daadi and Daadi says that the script is already sold out as people have already appreciated it. Bittu steps in and says in that sham guard, there will be a girl Vasanti who might have a relationship with Lai or Neeru. Daadi scolds Bittu for interfering. After that, Akshay snatches the script from Daadi and says that now he is the owner of the script and will make a movie. Akshay throws the script at Vipul ji and says that if Vipul can realize this movie then he is ready to act in the movie for free. Bittu asks Daadi that her work is not suitable for script writing and instead suggests her to work at a cycle repair and puncture shop. Daadi responds that she only leaks gas so how come she can work in the cycle shop invoking a laughter. Daadi says that at her old age nothing happens much, she struggles a lot during the day and during the night she sits at the Andheri railway station and works as an astrologer and uses her parrot to carry out her job. She then takes out a parrot toy from her bag and calls it Rambo. She says that she will show the future of Akshay and Vipul ji by using her parrot. Vipul ji asks whether she has shown the future to Bittu.. Daadi takes out her chits and sits down with the parrot. She then throws the chits and first selects a chit for Akshay with some random help from Parrot. She reads out the chit that Akki’s future is such that he is missing his co-actor Sonakshi Sinha making him laugh, he also wants to dance with a girl much hotter than Sonakshi. Daadi then puts back the parrot for a while and wants to dance with Akshay as she thinks herself to be much hotter than Sonakshi. Akshay speaks out the rules for the dance and takes out a knife and warns her that if Daadi kisses him during their dance they she will get a tough lesson. Daadi says that if Akshay kisses her instead of her doing it then he says that’s another point. Akshay says there should be no forced coming close moment or teasing.

Bittu says that Daadi dances because she wants to tease or kiss somebody invoking a laughter. Akshay says that they will perform dance with a knife and Daadi thinks Akshay is behaving like Gabbar. Daadi and Akshay dances on a song – Tu hi To Hain (from his movie Holiday) and Daadi funnily comes close to his body invoking a laugh. Daadi tries to come close to Akshay but he holds her neck and head while continue to dance. Daadi begs for mercy and asks for a favour as she has shown the future of Akshay. Daadi then showers a kiss and completes her Shagun ki Pappi. She speaks with Akshay about Ayurveda and says that she has a problem of perpetual gastric and therefore she leaks gas at odd times. She seeks some solution for Akshay and she calls him Akki Baba. Akshay promises to help her but she becomes hesistant, and he then applies some oil to her nose. Akshay speaks that oil is suryaprakash oil and all her gas is gone and she will not complain again.

Audience, a young man from Rohtak, Haryana who serves in Indian air force asks Akshay if he was not an actor, then whether he would have worked in Defense ? He also comments on Akshay sir’s discipline.
Akshay: says that indeed he would have joined military, air-force or navy if he wasn’t an actor. He says that his entry in films was because of an abrupt circumstance and opportunity. He talks that for his assignment he was paid 21,000 INR and as human nature dictates he was happy about the money. He speaks about his modeling assignment and standing in air-condition that’s why he joined films and the rest is history. Akshay says that he is a reel hero while the man in audience is a real Hero. Kapil salutes the Indian Army. Akshay introduces the actor – Freddie who is playing the negative character in his upcoming movie Holiday. Kapil asks Freddie on his debut with a negative role. Freddie speaks that the story’s plot revolves around a sleeper cell, and his negative role essays the person in-charge of that sleeper cell. He says that the villain is a simple normal person who runs the sleeper cell. Vipul ji says that requirement of that character needs a simple and common person. Vipul ji informs that their film releases on 6th June, and Kapil wishes them the best for the movie. The show ends on the song (Tu Hi To Hain song from their movie).. kapil signs off the show by saying that all the people at home – continue watching his show and Keep Smiling. Stay tuned to Comedy Nights with Kapil @ 10 PM every Saturday and Sunday on Colors.

Comedy Nights With Kapil

Images credit: Twitter page of Colors TV

Additional Info:
* Akshay and Vipul ji came to CNWK for the promotion of their movie – Holiday: A Soldier is never off duty. Vipul ji is a co-producer of the movie. The movie is directed by A.R. Murugadoss (also directed Ghajini) and stars Sonakshi Sinha in the lead and Govinda is seen in a supporting role. Holiday is a remake of 2012 Tamil Action-thriller – Thuppakki. Read more on the movie at its Wikipedia page.

* This is the third time that Akshay came on Comedy Nights. He came for the first time with Sonakshi Sinha and Imran Khan for the promotion of Once Upon a Time in Mumbai Dobaara and then he came with Ronit Roy, Shiv pandit, and Aditi Rao Hydari for the promotion of the movie Boss.

* Akshay obtained a black belt in Taekwondo in India and studied martial arts in Bangkok, Thailand. Taekwondo is a korean martial art which combines combat and self-defense techniques. Read more on Taekwondo at its Wikipedia page.

* Atithi Devo Bhavo (Be one for whom the Guest is God) is one of the mantras from Taittiriya Upanishad, Other mantras include matrudevo bhava [Be one for whom the mother is God], pitrudevo bhava [Be one for whom the father is God], and acharyadevo bhava [Be one for whom the teacher is God].

Full Episode Video: Akshay on CNWK

Sneak Peek of today’s Episode of CNWK with Akshay.

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